Birthday Special: Q&A 2023

Hey everyone, how are you? Welcome back to the Said in Therapy Podcast. My name is Iman Tohami. And this is the Psychology Podcast for everyone. Happy New Year. I hope you had a great start into 2023 that you were able to close 2022, whether it was a good or bad year, and that you give your chance, give yourself the chance for a fresh start.

Um this podcast, this episode has been promised for yesterday, my actual birthday. But my good friend Ivan, who helped me um with the questions and interviewed me for this episode, had some sort of life event, and I just needed to make sure that she's okay with me publishing, and luckily she said yes.

And I'm sending so much love to you, Avan. I hope you're okay. And I will make this intro not too long. Just listen. These are the questions that you sent in. We chose those that didn't seem repetitive and had a new angle, and I hope you enjoy.

Let's start.

I am Avan, a friend of Iman's, and the one who will be doing or asking your questions for this year's birthday special Q&A session with the one and only Iman herself. When Iman asked me or first asked me to do this, I was shocked and honestly thought she was joking.

Of course, it goes without saying, I'm a huge fan of her podcast and her Instagram page, which goes by the same name, Said in Therapy. So it is really a big honor for me to do this. And yes, I am still in disbelief and equally excited.

Um as mentioned, I always follow her page on social media and I look forward to her posts and episodes on her podcast. Um, but I also admire her for what she has achieved so far, as a modern woman with her background and at her age.

She is someone I truly look up to. Iman, I hope you're not tearing up right now, and very much enjoy talking to. As she has this really rare ability in remaining super rational, yet genuinely empathetic all at the same time.

I personally find this to be a superpower at this day and age, and one that I don't think reflects what she does for a living, but it just shows you who she is as a person. She has one of the biggest hearts and the fairest, most humanitarian spirits I have ever come across.

I also really enjoy her brand of humor, and I appreciate her quote-unquote tolerance or let's say genuine appreciation of how I turn almost everything tragic in my life to a good joke. So, Iman, hi.

Listen, I wasn't expecting this.

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Thank you.

Thank you so much, Ovan. I'm really, really, really, really touched. Thank you so much. I'm a bit speechless. I had no idea you were going to do this, but thank you so much. I figured. I figured. I thought, oh, I hope when I say hi, man, how are you doing?

And she would be really sort of ready. Yeah, I really thought we were just jumping into it. Oh my god. Thank you so much, Ivan. I really appreciate it.

Thank you actually for everything that you do. And um, I really thought to give it justice that you deserve the intro that I gave, which is actually um nothing to what you actually do deserve. So I hope you enjoyed it.

It's from the heart, and I'm sure um almost all, if if almost every one of your followers also think so. And look forward to this Q&A. It's I I personally am very excited about it because it should be very interesting.

You always have the nicest, cleverest things to say. So are you ready for this?

I am, thank you. Um but really I have nothing to say. Let's let's just start. Um, let's do it. Yeah.

So the first question uh is how old are you, Iman?

So I'm turning 18. I was planning for this answer. Honestly, guys, so everyone should know I'm on the older end of age. So I could probably be the mom of many of the people who follow me, follow me.

I will be, oh, I am turning 40. And to be honest, um, many have asked me how I feel about that, and I feel very good about it. It's not like that I think, oh my god, I'm turning 40 and I'm panicky about it.

It's um, I'm at a stage in my life where I believe um I'm at peace with most of the things in my life, so I'm feeling good.

Yeah, that's great, that's wonderful. That's a nice way to go into 40. Yeah, that's amazing. The next question is what is your favorite travel destination?

I find this one interesting because it has nothing to do with what I do on socials or for a living. Um, but I find this interesting because I think it reflects also who you are as a person when you travel and like a place specifically.

I was lucky, I traveled a lot, especially when I was younger, but I am also someone who doesn't like the extreme changes, if that makes sense. So I'm not the biggest fan of the Far East, like Asia and stuff, but I would say um, if I want good food, I would definitely uh travel to Italy.

And I love Portugal.

Yeah, I think that's it. Why do you love Portugal so much?

I don't know. I have very fond memories of Portugal. So when I was younger, I would travel to Spain a lot because it was just a habit. A lot of Germans travel to Spain all the time, and it was a travel travel destination that was just, you know, you go online, you look for a quick trip, and then you book Barcelona, for example.

And it was first of all, it was my honeymoon. It was we chose Portugal out of all places, don't ask me why. But apart from that, we went back to Portugal, and it's such an interesting and peaceful country, I feel, even though I know this is not reality, but the people are super friendly, the weather is amazing, the food is amazing.

I really, really, really like Portugal.

You you mentioned also Germans going there, and I'm sure a lot of the followers um know that you are German. Yeah. Could you tell us a little bit about your upbringing in Germany and what it was like to grow up as a, if I hope I'm saying this correctly, a second generation immigrant there?

Yeah. Uh you know, that's an interesting question because my answer varies. My answers vary all the time. If you had asked me 10 years ago, I would have told you that country shaped me in a lot of ways.

It gave me my education, it gave me a very precise way of thinking, the way I approach problems is probably very German. Um, I like a lot of aspects about Germany as a country and as a culture, but growing up there as a non-German, even though you are native, like a native speaker, and you grow up in the system, you never truly belong.

And that made up um, I would say, a big portion of my reality. For example, when I speak with Americans who have a different background, they refer to themselves as, let's say, Arab American. And the American identity is very much part of who they are.

With Germans, that's not the case. For me at least, I always felt a little bit like an outsider. Even though there was a time in my life where I believed I was integrated so much that I almost blended in.

But essentially, I had to break out. So, as many of you know, I no longer live in Germany, but I still believe that this country shaped me and formed me into the person I am today.

Would you say that that is what led you or led you to the decision to leave Germany? Oh, absolutely.

Absolutely.

Next question: Do you believe mental illness is curable?

Yeah, I read that question and I had to think about it. Um, you know, there are many aspects of mental health that you can go past. So if you work on yourself, there are certain things in your life you can work through.

And let's say they made up a crisis in some point in your life. These are situations that you can definitely work through, and you have tools and you learn how to handle situations that are similar or give you the same amount of pain or the same amount of distress.

But there are certain types of um mental illnesses, especially in the very clinical sense, where I believe we have come so far in medicine. So let's take diabetes, for example. People learn how to deal with diabetes and live with it and live long and healthy lives.

So there are some aspects about mental health that we shouldn't be afraid of saying, for example, I have that or I was diagnosed with that, but I'm handling it and I'm okay. I think the stigma around that is still very, very big.

And that's sad because there are so many people out there who have certain diagnoses, who learned how to live with diagnosis and live very happy and healthy lives. Um, is it totally curable in some situations? I don't think so, but I also don't think that this is like something bad or the end of the world.

Do you struggle with mental illness problems yourself? And if yes, how do you deal with them?

Yes, of course. I'm I think in 2008 I was diagnosed with an anxiety disorder, the anxiety and panic disorder. And I also believe, or I'm actually retrospectively, I'm quite sure that I had at many different stages in my life a depressive episode.

Um I don't think that this is abnormal. In fact, I think most people go through some mental difficulty throughout their lives. Some people are aware of it, others are not. Um, how do I deal with that? Well, I will say, even though it's ironic, therapy is not always my go-to solution, but it is definitely a very important part of my life.

But I am also someone who likes to try a lot of things before I eventually settle for sitting down and talking um with someone. Um that's a little bit of a handicap of mine, but I am not opposed to therapy.

I just want to make this very, very clear. But I think when you have certain tools or you know certain things, you try to approach them yourself first. And when you get to a point where you believe, okay, that's that end I actually seek therapy.

Do you think therapy is always successful?

No, definitely not. I believe if you are not ready for therapy, it will lead nowhere. It's simple as that. You must be ready and willing to listen to the harshest sides of your input or your personality or your behavior in order to fix many of the things that are going wrong in your life.

And many people are just not there yet, you know, they are not there to hear something that could cause great discomfort. And as I said, if you're not willing to listen and help yourself, then nobody will be able to help you.

When it comes to therapy, uh, there's obviously different kinds of therapy and different ways and so on. How do you set up goals with your patients? And does that setting up goals and so on, does it apply to all patients, or it depends, of course, on each case?

I love this question. So it depends on the case, but there is also certain things that are very important to me to before you actually settle goals. It's not a um one size fits all solution. You have to sit down with the patient and discuss what matters to them, what is important to them, what kind of cultural background they have, um, what type of relationships they want to maintain, what type of relationships they want to fizzle

out, maybe. All of these things are important to discuss beforehand before you can actually settle for doable and reachable goals. Because at the end of the day, when we want to change our lives, it's always a system that changes with us.

It's not always just this one person, which is us who needs to change. What many people don't understand is when you decide to go to therapy, and let's say you have a very toxic environment, or let's say challenging environment, you are playing a role in this system.

And when you change, the whole system changes with you. So this means how do you react to the reactions of the other people? What do you do when something happens that is unexpected? And how do you readjust your goals in order to reach something that is, let's say, a bigger goal, like better mental health?

And all of these things are very important to discuss as you go in therapy. And it's also very important to understand that nothing is set in stone, you can always change your mind, for example.

The next question, I was debating whether to keep this one in or not, but I will just go ahead and ask it. Yeah. For people who are not familiar with therapy or are very nervous about taking the first step and sort of don't know what to expect.

And, you know, we all have thoughts that kind of hinder us, or we just kind of get stuck in a loop about them and so on. Do you have or is there a way to share any tips on how to prepare for a first session of therapy to kind of shed all these fears or get a bit more comfortable and figure out, oh, what do what can I expect from a first session, or and what can

I prepare if I can at all?

Well, you know, I understand why people may be worried or let's say nervous about the first session. But in reality, the first session is always a way to get to know each other. For you as a therapist or a patient and the therapist, it's always you have to go and see if you're going to click.

So, in that sense, I don't want to say treat it as if you're going to meet a new friend. That's definitely not the reality of therapy. But you have to feel comfortable in order to open up. And you have to sit in front of this person and realize okay, is this someone I see myself talking to potentially for months and sometimes even years?

And if this is something you you see yourself, you know, you can see yourself doing, then I would say give it a go. The first session is never about helping the problem or helping solving the problem right away.

The first session is always an introduction, it's always about to understand if you feel okay talking to this person or not. So, in that sense, you have to take out all the nervousness because nothing is really going to happen.

It's like meeting a person who potentially could be someone in your life that you seek out for help.

Okay.

On a lighter note, um, and I see this question a lot on your Instagram page, I have to say. I know it's every Q&A almost, and I think you know, and I when I read it, I had to laugh or giggle a little bit.

Iman, are you married? Yeah, unfortunately. I'm just kidding.

I'm just kidding. But I want to put this out there once and for all because seriously, it's the one question I get every single Q&A. Always, always, always. I am married. Um, it's almost 10 years now, so put your mind at ease.

I am taken, I am married. Once and for all, make it good for everyone. I hope people, you know, take it now and believe.

I I I hope so too for you. I really do. Um, speaking of marriage, do you have any advice on marriage?

Yeah, I would be a liar if I would tell you I have figured it out, and I have a very balanced and harmonic, problem-free uh marriage. That's not the case. Marriage is for everyone, work. Marriage is for everyone, heartache at times, marriage is for everyone.

You know, uh yeah, basically something to work on and something to work on every single day. If I had one piece of advice for every single person who considers, you know, getting married at some point, make sure you marry your best friend.

I'm not saying, you know, you have a best uh male friend, you go ahead and marry them. That's all that's what I'm trying to say. Um, it's you should be in love with this person for sure, but this person should also be your best friend.

This person should be someone you can talk to. This person is someone you could potentially fight with and still feel safe. And this person should be someone you are not afraid to disagree with, you know, and you know at some point this will happen, you will have a fight, you will have a discreet disagreement, but you will sort it out in a way because the communication between you two is, you know, set in place.

So I think this is the biggest advice I can give anyone. But as any relationship, it requires work, it doesn't just, you know, just because you tie the knot, it doesn't mean that you have sorted out all your problems.

In fact, after the wedding is when real life begins.

Yeah, maybe it's the same with parenting, which comes with the next question. Once you have the baby, then the reality kicks in. Do you have any good parenting advice?

Um that's difficult. I feel that I'm still in the thick of it. My child is still very young. Um, but I feel one thing that works for me or for us as a family is to respect that child, you know.

I see in especially in certain cultures, I see how kids are just an extension and their needs and their feelings are not really considered considered if it's beyond food and clothing and playing a little bit. I think the reality is we often forget that these tiny people have feelings, and sometimes it's okay to ask for their opinions.

Obviously, I will not tell you ask your kids about a political question or something like that, but this is not the conversation you should have with the child. But for example, always try to make them feel part again of the system, so give them the importance to feel that they are part of it and they have a say that the word matters, and this is a strategy that really, really works for me.

Um but to be continued, ask me again when she's a teenager.

Did you always know you want to be a therapist?

Um in the back of my head, yes, but I also remember how I was discouraged many times to study psychology. Um so I have an Egyptian background, and whenever I would bring up psychology and I want to learn psychology, I want to study psychology, it was always like again the stigma oh my god, you're going to work with crazy or insane people.

And even, let's say, when you study medicine and you breach out into psychiatry, people would give you the same looks or the same opinions. I think the idea of working with mental illness or mental difficulties. Difficulties evolved over time, but when I took the decision that this is a program I want to go for, it was still very much frowned upon.

So there was a time where I considered doing something else for that exact reason. But I'm so happy that I didn't give in the social pressures and just did my thing.

Do you also see that based on your experience as a therapist, that there are some, let's say, cultural adaptations? I will give an example of what I mean. For example, did you ever face on the other side of the coin people saying, oh, well, you have an Egyptian background, or given your, I don't know, religious beliefs and so on, you might not be the right person to handle people with addiction.

You might not understand it. And or at the other end, a patient be saying, Well, you know, I'm I'm from so-and-so background. Maybe I would be able to relate more with a therapist who has a you know BIPOC background, or I would rather a therapist who is from so-and-so background and so on.

Does that really make a difference, you think?

You know, you might think it could make a difference, or it does make a difference, but in my experience, people are just people. So really I work with people from all walks of life. And yes, of course, it's it's better or it feels um safer for some patients to know that I come from a certain background, that I understand the cultural ins and outs, and that I understand what they are talking about.

So, in that sense, yes, it it might feel safer for them, but for me, I never felt a difference. So I work with people like very religious people, but I also work with atheists, and it in that sense, it it didn't really make a difference because at the end of the day, you are talking to a human being and you're trying to you know navigate with them together, um to navigate them to have a better lifestyle

or have a better outlook on life. Um, I learned something in my profession. I'm very happy that I did that very early on. That once you are in a room with a patient or a client or whatever you know the setting may be, it could be also a group therapy session um setting, that when we break it down, we all have the same sort of problems, we all have the same sort of pains and worries.

And after the initial again, after the intake, the first um session, you get a feeling if you're going to be able to work with this person or not. And equally for them, and I have many people deciding, even though I could see in the beginning of the session that they were also very um, you know, they had a lot of doubts.

But by the end of it, they thought, no, this is something I can do, so let's start. What was interesting when I started out my career, that people like I wouldn't say that I look for you. I always looked a little younger than my age.

So when older people would come and work with me, they would always comment on my age. Like, you don't have the wisdom to help me with this. And I always start, I would always start the session. Okay, you know what?

Let's have this session. And if you feel by the end of the session this is not going to work for you, we can try to find someone else for you. And I can happily tell you that 90% of the time people continue it.

So it helps to come back to the question. It helps to have a certain understanding of cultural backgrounds, but at the end of the day, it always comes down to the individual person and how you feel about them, and how more importantly, how they feel about you.

As you said, we are all humans, and as humans, we sadly go through traumatic experiences since life can be emotionally abusive and sometimes gentle on us. What is your biggest trauma?

Yeah, um, I don't think I want to publicly share that because I have several traumas in my life. I'm not a trauma-free person. In fact, I believe that I have gone through life um with situations that were really messed up.

But in a general sense, I would say uh the biggest headers in my life was always lust. And uh the the topic of lust or belonging or longing for certain things that don't, you know, necessarily or that come easier for others and not so easy for me.

And I know nobody will understand what I mean by that, but in a general sense, I would say um I don't have one big trauma event that say, I would say um some people have war trauma, this is not what I have.

But there are certain types of trauma that I carry with myself and till this day deal with on a daily basis, sometimes more, sometimes less.

And how do you carry them ever so gracefully?

Or try to I wouldn't I wouldn't say that I always do so gracefully. Um so I would say one of the biggest topics in my life is, for example, grief. I learned over time. Um, the biggest grief point in my life or grief moment in my life was something so unexpected and so, you know, um, it was like this benchmark.

And you learn a lot dealing with this type of grief. And then later on, when you have the same or an equal or something that reminds you of that grief, you get some sort of re-trauma, and you look back at experience that helped you, and you look back at ways or you try to find new ways to make it better.

There are certain things that you learn as you go. There is not this blueprint blueprint that you can follow in order to sort out your life. It's uh it's growth and it's progress, and everyone goes through it. Not, you know, people might think that therapists have a better life, and I don't think that's the case at all.

I think if anything, um therapists tend to struggle a bit more because there's also this tendency of that I should be, you know, I should have the tools to deal with that. And sometimes we simply don't.

Yeah.

How do you let go of childhood friendships when they are toxic?

I put this question in because I found it very interesting, but I want to borden the question a little bit because I believe it's not only childhood friendships, it's any type of relationship really that is toxic or makes you feel it's not serving you anymore.

And I have gone through that myself, and it's a long progress of because you know, I I there was a post I once made, and it was um about letting go of relationships, and it doesn't matter what the nature of relationship it was, and it um and I said most goodbyes happen in phases, and what I meant by that is that you develop this sense that this is no longer working for you in tiny steps.

It's not like that one day you wake up and say, That's that's it, I'm done. Well, sometimes you have like betrayal going on, you have cheating going on, and then that's a deal breaker. But in many, many cases, relationships just change because you have developed into a certain direction, and the other party has developed into a certain direction, and those directions no longer meet in the middle, they're no longer matching, and everybody's having opinions and judgments,

and when opinions and judgments come in, and a lot of fights come because of that, relationships tend to be a little toxic. I want to make this remark, and I think it's very, very important. It's sometimes us who are toxic, it's not always the other person, right?

So I wouldn't say, you know, this this childhood friend is toxic. It could be that this childhood friend is a very good person, but you no longer match, and in that sense, it created a toxic relationship. So to come back to the question, how do you let go of it?

Well, the way I did it, I journaled a lot about it and I reflected a lot about it, and I tried to figure out what held me, what kept me with this person. And at some point, I realized what's keeping me with this person are the memories.

And at some point, I needed to decide that the memories are no longer enough. And slowly but surely, you know, you learn to emotionally let go. And maybe there is a talk that you need to have with this person, and sometimes you just fizzle out the really the relationship, but even then the other person will know, you know, it's not like ghosting someone, it's like this um this invisible agreement or this unspoken um agreement that you

have that is no longer working, and that's about it. I wouldn't, you know, beat myself up too much about it. Sometimes certain relationships no longer fit in our life, and that's life in itself. Yes.

Maybe with relationships, romantic relationships or marriages, incompatibility sits a bit heavier, or not really. Sometimes they do, right? With friendships, are friendships are very painful as well. But I think when you mentioned when people just don't match anymore, it doesn't mean they don't love them anymore.

Oh, I would I would say that one of my biggest breakups or heart where my like my heart really struggled with this um with the ending of this relationship. That was a friendship. There was a person I once considered as close as a sister, and there was nothing of that sort that would justify like the sisterly feeling was no longer there.

And as I said, what kept me was the memories, and the same was like the same was true for her, but nonetheless, breaking off this relationship was very hard, and I wouldn't underestimate it, but it doesn't mean just because you miss someone that you want them back in your life.

Sad but true. Now that we are breaking off from 2022 very soon, this is a question of mind that I've been toying with my um uh with my family and friends is and I don't know why, it's just something I came up with, and I enjoy hearing people's reactions to it.

So I'm gonna ask you as well. If you would describe 2022 in one word, what word would you use?

Oh yeah. Um well, honestly, the word that comes to mind is not a very positive one, so I'm not sure if I want to share share it. Um, let's say it was a dramatic year.

Dramatic. Okay, I'll take it. Dramatic. And I come to this question, which I think it's from a broader sense rather than related to the year or anything. But what would be or what is the biggest lesson you have learned?

I say this all the time. Well, I feel, especially after this year, since I confessed it was a traumatic year, uh, biggest lesson that I like, I believe in it with all my heart, is that nothing in life lasts forever.

It is bad in good news, it's good news for everyone who is struggling and having a bad time, but it's also slightly scary for those who have a very good face. The only constant in life is change. And whether we like it or not, we are gonna change.

We are going to grow older, uh, we are going to move, we are going, you know, change jobs, we are going to lose people. We are there are so many changes that are out of our control and that we just need to embrace.

And the other life lesson that I really learned in order to counteract you know, bad phases is that the only thing that will make your life better is gratefulness. And I know it sounds so cheesy, I know that.

And I used to think when someone would tell me when I was younger, when you're grateful, everything becomes better. I was like, how could I be grateful for a face that is so truly crap, you know, crap? But um I learned that gratefulness shifts your whole perspective, you know.

There is always something to be grateful for. As tiny as it might seem, there is always something to be grateful for. And if we shift our focus on that, our life will shift as well.

That is a really nice lesson, and the one before really matches the ups and downs of life, for sure. Thank you so much, Iman. This was amazing. Uh I I'm so happy that you did the Q&A again this year.

I'm so happy you agreed to do this. And again, I'm still speechless about the stuff you said in the beginning. Thank you so much for saying okay to this, Avan. I really, really appreciate you. Anytime. It's it's it's it was a lot of fun.

It was. Hey, thank you so much for tuning in. And hopefully, you will tune in again next week. It will be another episode talking to or about clients of mine, and you can find us on social media on Facebook, Twitter, or Instagram.

The handle is always @saidintherapy. Thank you so much.