Negative Self-Talk and Missing People

Hello everyone, welcome to the Said in Therapy Podcast. Have you ever considered going to therapy and you ended up not going? My question is why? In my humble opinion, I believe everyone can benefit from therapy. In fact, I believe everybody should go at least once in their life.

My name is Iman Tohami and I'm a psychologist. This podcast tells you all about everyday cases with everyday people who have everyday problems and difficulties, and sometimes they carry around really deep wounds. These are their stories.

Um my throat is killing me, and it is the first time since I don't know, a couple of hours. My uh my voice sounds more or less okay, I think. Yeah, um, I want to be more consistent with this podcast, and I decided to change the format a little bit, so I don't want to be stuck in the idea that I have to publish a certain day only before I would publish or release the new episodes

on Fridays. And I think um for the first time ever, I want to give myself the freedom to record whenever I feel like it because it makes it so much more authentic throughout the week. I have so many thoughts and ideas and conversations, and obviously I still have sessions with patients, and sometimes we discuss something throughout the session, and then you know, well, as the name says, it's Said in Therapy, and sometimes things are actually said

in therapy that give me, you know, this um feeling that I want to dive a little bit deeper into the thoughts that occur within myself. It really doesn't need to be about my patients. Obviously, I want to keep this about my patients as well, and I want to invite people and discuss things with them.

So I was thinking that basically on Fridays I would do that. On other days, however, you know, rest of the week, and maybe I will publish every day, maybe I will publish, you know, still once a week. It really depends.

I just want to give myself the freedom to, you know, play with the format and not be stuck in in the idea that it has to be a certain way. I really like flexibility. I don't know about you, but it's probably one of my um biggest strengths that I like flexibility and that I go with the flow usually.

And yeah, so there is that. So today I wanted to discuss something with you that has been going on um for quite some time now. So it's not necessarily an event or an incident that happened, it is more like this idea that keeps on forming in my head.

So for those who for those who don't know and um don't really know much about me, maybe I have recently finished my PhD in um psychology. It's so awkward talking about it because it's you know it's been the work for so many years, and actually, you know, for me to make it um come into life, being be part of my reality, I had to get rid of so many things that I believe to be true.

And when I started to dig a little deeper, I found out that so many things I believed to be true were actually things that were said about me. So for the first time ever, I wanted to make it a point to celebrate my win, celebrate my accomplishment.

But alongside that, I always had several um lines that came along with the thought like, why would you celebrate something like that? Do you really think you're something something special? I know you will probably think, how can you think like that, being a psychologist and all?

The reality is um the road of becoming a psychologist, or the career path that I took was full of so many doubts. And um, I always knew that this is a career I'm extremely passionate about. At the same time, I always knew deep down that um maybe I don't feel that I'm up to it or um that I'm worth it, worth it, or if you know, if I can really fill this role.

And surely after a while, I found out that I dropped these thoughts. I just started to, you know, do the job, and it was okay after a while, and I really like that because it is learning by doing, right?

But there were other certain ideas that were still deeply rooted and implemented in my psyche, and some of them I figured were basically things good friends said about me. And here are two things I wanted to discuss with you.

First, how do you deal with the fact that you can miss someone who was part of your life and is no longer part of your life because you decided that, or because you had a falling out, or because the relationship simply ended?

And how can you um uninstall, if you will, um the um thoughts they put into your head? You know, I don't know if you have watched the movie Inception or not, the one with Leonardo DiCaprio. Anyway, it's like you know, you put the seed of a thought and it keeps on growing and growing and growing.

Um, obviously, this episode is not going to be about the movie, but you know, it's this little thought someone can put inside of you and it keeps on growing, and it could be good or bad. And I remember there are specifically two of my friends that were extremely close to me for so many years, but after much reflection and much going inside me, I realized how toxic both of those relationships were.

And they were not only toxic for me, obviously, this was my shared um experience with them, but my reality was that I felt that these friendships are really, really toxic. But on the other hand, I think, and I'm 100% sure, that they also didn't feel um very comfortable in the relationship anymore.

So, you know, with one, it was really a big falling out, and we no longer talk. And on the other hand, it was just, you know, when friendships just fade away, or um, you stop talking or you talk less, and after a while, you know, it fizzles out like that.

But after after um finishing the PhD, I felt that they were also part of my journey, and I started missing them, and I got annoyed. Like, why are you missing them? They haven't been part of your life for a couple of years now.

So, Iman, why are you missing them? And then I realized it was so much deeper rooted, it not it's not really about them per se. Missing them is always, you know, um, in a way, cherishing the good moments you have with each other, even though the relationship or the friendship is not good anymore or is not for you anymore, because you know that you outgrew them.

And I think the basic idea is here how to understand something like that. So I rambled quite a lot right now, but I think the point that I'm trying to make is here. If you miss someone who has been part of your life, keep reflecting on how and why the relationship ended.

Now, I keep on talking on my profile about the fact that everybody can be toxic, right? It doesn't necessarily mean that they or you are a bad person, but sometimes people bring out the worst traits in you. And sometimes you just meet people in order to grow yourself, right?

So I truly believe that every single relationship or friendship you have in your life is part of your journey to grow and to change. So if in a way you're still missing people, but you know for a fact that you are not good with them, don't try to suppress the the feeling that you miss them and that you want to talk to them.

Just, you know, reaffirm to yourself why they're no longer in your life. So, yeah, this has been um a long thought process process for me. Um, I'm basically just rambling and telling you all about it in a couple of minutes, but the reality is I've been thinking about this quite extensively in the last month or so.

And I guess my message for this podcast episode is you know, it is okay to miss someone and no longer want them in their in your life. So, yeah, um be more lenient with yourself and try to focus on what's important and focus on what is good in your life right now, and definitely think where you want to go from here, because I find myself being at the crossroads, not crossroads right now, trying to figure out

what I want to do from here on now. So, yeah. Um, today happened to be Friday, so it is the first episode that I'm going to publish without having an interview partner, without going too much um into you know um psychological disorders or personality disorders or anything like that.

But I want to take the opportunity to say thank you. I just hit 15 uh 15 um Instagram. It's been quite a journey, and I'm really, really happy um that I started this. It it's amazing, and I really, really, really hope that you enjoy the content that I create.

And if you have any suggestions, of course, let me know. Um I'm a bit more free now, so I'm definitely open to implement all your ideas into my content. If you have questions, let me know. I'm also planning um of I'm planning to to you know release some webinars um about topics you might enjoy or want to learn more of.

So anything you want to know or hear about, let me know. I'm open to anything, and I hope you are okay. Thank you so much for listening.