Hey friends 🍀💛,

Since starting my “Said in Therapy” journey in 2020, I have been thinking a lot about what I want out of this project, and it always brought me back to the initial intention I had before I started which is psychoeducation and breaking the stigma around mental health.

The self-help industry has been booming for some time now, and so many books are sold and overly promoted as THE answer to all your problems. As a result, toxic positivity is rising, and the self-esteem of whole communities is at the lowest it has ever been.

We live in a very intense and performance-oriented society. What is sold to us is that we are our accomplishments and that we are nothing without them. Don’t get me wrong, accomplishments are amazing and should always be celebrated, but they are only a tiny fraction of what makes us human. Accomplishments are also a natural outcome of personal and internal growth. The more you work on yourself, the better you navigate living in this world, and in extension— the more you achieve.

That brings me back to why I started “Said in Therapy”:

Psychoeducation. But is psychoeducation just another fancy word for what self-help gurus want to sell us?

To me, it was always the interaction between many layers and dimensions. Understanding our emotions and thoughts, means understanding our behavior and why we do what we do. Psychology is a vast discipline and leaks into almost everything we call life, but only a few people know about that secret. It's the combination of our rational thoughts and emotions 🧠🫀 and influences every aspect of our human experience, whether it is relationships, work or the development of the self.

Psychoeducation is not only about mental illness and mental health; it’s also about why people do what they do daily. It’s about understanding the cognitive processes, including motivation, attention, memory, self-awareness, and awareness of others.

I am writing this today to tell you that I have found back to the initial intention but also renewed it with the learnings I had over the last two years.

While psychology is very much considered an empirical science, it’s also the science of human nature. For that, I intend to build that bridge to bring information to you that is not only rooted in science but also easy to understand. This is what scientists call pop-psychology and is often side-eyed in the academic community. But I think it matters. Knowledge of any kind shouldn’t be constrained to a selective few but widely spread, so everyone gets to choose what they want to do with it.

I hope to break the stigma around psychology in our culture and make the walk to a therapist as easy as the walk to a GP when we struggle with our physical health; because physical and mental health are ultimately connected.

I want to end this very first newsletter with a not-so-cheesy thank you. I didn’t know I would find so much meaning in my social media presence, but I did. And for that, I need to thank the community that believed and trusted in me, especially in my Q&As.

I hope to do this for a long time, and I hope you benefit from what I have to share.

Welcome to the community.

❤️ Share this newsletter with a friend; let’s spread love.⁠ #saidintherapy

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Welcome to the Said in Therapy Newsletter!

**On Self-Care
**

My initial (internal) plan was to publish a reflection every day of Ramadan and as a form of self-care to avoid triggering stress and pressure, I just never announced that. I got very ill this Ramadan which disrupted my Ramadan experience but also forced me to perform what people define as self-care. I took a break, and I was so happy I hadn’t committed to publishing daily.

Let’s clarify from the beginning: Self-Care is not self-indulgence and being egocentric. Self-care, at its core, means you are taking care of yourself, so you can be healthy, be mentally well, do your job, and ultimately care for others or accomplish what you may need in a day.

You are right if you think you have heard the term self-care very frequently on social media. One significant indicator is that, according to Google Trends, the number of searches for self-care has more than tripled since 2020. For obvious reasons, considering the pandemic and the overall state of the world. 

Paula Gill Lopez, Ph.D., an associate professor and chair of the psychological and educational consultation department at Fairfield University in Fairfield, Connecticut, says the need for self-care is obvious. 

>“We have an epidemic of anxiety and depression, and everybody feels it.”

Self-care is part of the answer to how we can better cope with daily stressors such as work. It’s the stress of trying to keep up with the pace of everyday life, which technology has hastened more than ever (think how many emails come flooding into your inbox each day). People feel lonelier and less able to unwind and slow down, which makes them feel more anxious and overwhelmed by even the simplest tasks.

There is the dangerous trend of using keywords such as self-care for a wider marketing strategy that helps companies shape their image of being a better brand or product.


Self-care does not need to cost money; only in rare cases does it. I want to share a few ideas that you can incorporate into your daily life step by step, and I promise the effects will show in no time.


**Sleep:** getting enough sleep is crucial for physiological regeneration and recharging energy. But what is equally important is that we process our thoughts and emotions as we sleep. The saying “Let me sleep on it” is used for precisely that reason. Sleeping helps sort out ideas and make sense of the reality we are living.

**Spend time in nature:** I can’t highlight this enough. One of the first tasks a patient with depression will get to master is going out daily. The best practice is to go out for a few minutes as soon as the day starts. This simple tool can be incredibly hard when we go through a lot of emotional stress and anxiety, but it helps set the day, it helps with building a routine, and more importantly, it makes you leave the bed. And that is often the most important thing.

**Take dedicated breaks from electronics:** Stimuli are impressions and images we get from our outside world; many of them reach us on a subtle, unconscious level. Electronics and especially social media are stimuli on steroids. Cutting down on those will help you feel calmer and less attached to your devices. It gives back a sense of purpose outside of the alternate reality that everyone wants to sell as THE reality to be in.

**Start a gratitude journal:** Gratitude is at the core of a successful, content, and often happy life. Only when we see what we already have will we be able to appreciate everything new that enters our lives. No matter how small. You will always find something to be grateful for. Start your day with a list of things you are thankful for. It conditions your mind to focus on the good. Enough studies have proven this to be effective. It’s also why therapy concentrates so much on gratitude at first to pull us out of a funk. It’s crucial to find ways to improve the things we don’t like about ourselves or our lives. 

**Talk to trusted people around you:** Opening up can de-dramatize our deepest fears and break down negativity that pulls us down. Talking makes us feel more connected and secure. It does not need to be therapy, but talking to loved ones is sometimes not enough. Self-care does not need to cost money, but if you had to spend your money on something to make you feel better, please consider spending it on therapy.

Ramadan Reflections: On Self-Care

## On Failure

I know failure with a strange intimacy, and even though we hear everybody say how failure is part of life, it’s hard to accept mine even years later. It plays into so many aspects of our being. We can fail at achievements and fail at our roles in life, whether as an employee or a friend. 
There was a time in my life when I thought that failure was the defining aspect of me. And yet, years later, still not fully disgesting inevitable failures, things look so different and better. 
Let me tell you this, what they say about failure is true. We learn and grow when we fail. But glorifying failure when it hurts the most is the worst way to go about pain. It makes what we go through feel insignificant. It is always better to understand failure and accept it through knowledge. So let me walk you through different aspects of failure you might not be aware of. 

## 1. Failure makes goals more difficult to reach 

And I mean “goal” quite literally. A study shows that football/soccer teams that were scored less felt the goal and getting the ball into the goal was more unreachable. In simpler terms, failure tricks our brain into believing that reaching the “goal” is impossible. We call this distortion. The goal was as reachable as it was before you didn’t score. Unless you practice hard and have experience points that prove you, you can still win; you will have a more challenging time ignoring the new information your brain is forced to process. But you should; maybe ignoring is too much to ask, but it is essential to remember that losing is part of the process. Whether it is a game or not, it is getting into a university you want. 

## 2. Failure makes you mistrust your capabilities 

As much as failure makes you think a “literal” goal is out of reach, it also ticks you into believing that your abilities to get there are not good enough. As a result, we focus less, mistrust our moves more, and feel weaker than we are. Knowing it and correcting it in our minds is crucial because otherwise, you will devalue your abilities and previous wins. 

## 3. Failure makes you think you are helpless. 

In our minds, we are often helpless, and we tend to underestimate our resourcefulness. Failure causes emotional injuries. Your mind responds to this injury by trying to get you to give up so you can rest. In doing so, you are also feeling helpless. By making you think as if there is nothing you can do to succeed in a specific task, your mind might start avoiding future failures, and there will never collect new experiences, or in other words, further information that proves it wrong. You can refocus your mind. Knowing that everyone before you has failed in something meaningful is a great way to start. 


## 4. A single failure can create a “fear of failure.” 

Some of us are convinced that we fear succeeding or fear the spotlight. The truth is, they don’t. It is, in fact, a fear of failure. On unconscious, we store the information that we are not any better than those who have already reached what we want. Not addressing those fears means less likely to achieve our goals. The unconscious focus is to avoid failure instead of securing future success. 

## 5. Failure can cause to you self sabotage 

Remember, failure is painful and can affect our lives for longer phases in our lives. So, one of the most common ways to protect ourselves from that is self-sabotage. We create excuses and situations that justify our “failure” instead of taking accountability and ownership of the problem. This kind of behavior often turns into self-fulfilling prophecies because they sabotage our efforts and increase the likelihood of our failures. For example, you might think you are unlovable and will never open up in a relationship, ultimately causing it to fail before it even starts. You say it’s because you aren’t lovable—a vicious cycle. 

## 6. Parents can teach the fear of failure

If you are a parent, listen up. Fear of failing can be taught to our children. If there are certain things we are scared to reach or do, we condition our children to feel the same about outcomes and goals. Therefore, it is important to check our beliefs in ourselves and our self-worth to understand what we do not want our children to feel. If you are afraid of swimming because you think you will never be able to float, let your kid swim anyway. And better yet, try anyway. You will likely float. It’s all practice. 

## 7. Willpower is a muscle 

You read that right. Like any muscle, the mind can get fatigued and overused. When willpower fails you, it is because it is overworked and undernourished. This is why psychologists say eating healthy is important. Sleep well is essential. This is also why crash diets do not work. When our mind gets tired, we are more likely to stop the diet and get back to where we started. Balance is key. Give your body rest, so your mind can rest. Feed your body right, so your mind can reenergize as well. 

## 8. The heartiest way to respond to failure is to focus on the little things 

Psychology says (I always wanted to use the term in the proper context) that failure can make you feel demoralized, helpless, hopeless, and anxious. But you CAN fight back. Break down tasks or goals into small, reachable milestones. Control your day by planning it and following up. Go through a list of aspects in your control and those that are not. Figure out how you can improve on the things you can control. It could be improving a skillset or working on your relationship with open communication. Accumulating knowledge on how to improve is only one a few clicks and books away. Feeling control is the antidote to feeling helpless, and it will motivate you to try again. It will also minimize the likelihood of failure and ultimately will lead to success. 

Ramadan Reflections: On Failure 

## Ramadan Reflections: On Happiness

When I was very young, I thought happiness was where I reached after ticking off specific achievements or events. I remember thinking that once I have got to a certain age, I would be free; I would no longer be under the restriction of my parents and my sometimes highly complex upbringing. Little did I know that happiness is not a place to reach. For a long time, I had no sense of what happiness was or how we got it.

The internet is full of phrases that say that we create our happiness or have happiness within us. We only need to recognize it, and while all of that is platitude and accurate, it was never enough to soothe minds like mine that were constantly on the look for that “more.”

There was a quote I once heard; it is so long ago that I can’t even remember where or when, and the all-knowing Google didn’t give me many hints. But it stuck with me, and maybe it stuck with me because I felt it spoke to me directly. 

*Happiness is not a state or phase but a long tie of happy moments.*

I found this to be true. I am happiest when I am the most grateful. Of course, significant life events are exhilarating, but the feeling of these things only lasts so long. What matters is not what looks grand and flashy but how we feel when we look at the little things in life. And if we can find it in us to pay enough attention, we will find that happy moments can be found every day, even in the darkest of hours. 

I found that when I was the most devastated, I could also laugh at very unexpected moments. And yes, I thought at times I would never laugh or smile again, but I did. And these are the moments I define as the core of happiness. To find light in the darkness. My happiness is, without fail, always rooted in gratitude, and I am not always grateful.

But there are also a few things I learned in my professional life, happiness is rooted in many things, and gratitude is just one of them, and these are the areas/emotions that also make you feel happy: 

## 1. Joy 

Joy is fleeting and comes and goes very quickly. It is often found instantly, in a moment, and can leave as fast as it comes. The easiest way to find joy is to engage in things you know you enjoy. Joy can be music, sports, art, etc. 

## 2. Excitement 

Though it can last longer than joy, this emotion is still somewhat fleeting—it leaves rather quickly and can turn into boredom quickly. However, it can be a motivating factor. Excitement about a new job, for example, can motivate you to work harder, and excitement about a new relationship can inspire you to put more effort into working through difficulties.


## 3. Gratitude

As mentioned before, the happiness that comes from gratitude can be the most lasting if we actively focus on it. But unfortunately, it is not easy to always be grateful. It takes effort and much mindfulness. But we can cultivate gratitude. Those who feel gratitude regularly tend to be happier and healthier than those prone to feelings rooted in negativity. 

## 4. Pride 

Pride can be harmful, especially if it leads to useless and senseless competition with others. But pride in your accomplishments can be a form of gratitude turned inward and are a great source of happy moments. We can cultivate a healthy state of pride by including personal achievements in a list of “wins.” This is not bragging if done correctly. Pride can easily lean into feelings of superiority, and it’s essential to watch out for that, but we can celebrate our wins, and we should.

## 5. Optimism 

Studies show that optimism is connected with better outcomes in life. Optimists tied to focus on possibilities and have a combination of gratitude and pride. They are grateful fall they have in their present, take pride in their abilities, and are therefore resourceful. They strongly believe in themselves and overcome failure easier because they can place it correctly without overthinking it too much. They learn from mistakes and make the best out of difficult situations. 


## 6. Contentment 

Contentment means being happy with what we have. When we are content, we are less prone to disappointment. Contentment does not mean that we stop working for what we want or stop improving what we have, and it only means that the starting point is rooted in positivity. 

## 7. Love 

Best and most complicated for last. Love is not happiness, but it can certainly come with many happy moments. However you look at it, love is all we are looking for. But to cultivate healthy love, we must first and foremost love ourselves. 

Ramadan Reflections: On Happiness 

![](https://www.datocms-assets.com/26767/1648902133-ramadan-reflections.png)

A couple of days ago, I found myself in a peculiar situation. It’s one I haven’t been to 
in a very long time. I felt disappointed. Disappointment is a part of life and a feeling we all share and feel at times, whether in our relationships with other people or in ourselves and our accomplishments that we maybe haven’t met. It’s not an easy feeling to sit with, and there are healthy and unhealthy ways to cope with emotions that cannot be avoided.

To understand the disappointment, we first need to validate it. Sometimes disappointment comes from darker areas in our being inhibited by jealousy and deep fear. 

It is tempting to dwell in disappointment and maybe make ourselves victims of certain situations. Still, when looking at disappointment more deeply, we will find that disappointment occurs when expectations aren’t met. We tend to ignore or minimize our expectations' effects on us, and this can become more of a problem over time. 

It is crucial to validate disappointment and tolerate the feelings that arise. But to do that, we need to understand disappointment first. I narrowed down the types of disappointment to make it easier to spot them when they occur. 

## 1. Disappointment in a Relationship 

It’s inevitable to feel disappointed in others. People in our lives have their ideas, feelings, desires, and challenges, so there is no way they will always meet the expectations you have of them. When we feel disappointed in someone, other emotions commonly arise with the disappointment or part of it, such as Resentment, frustration, or even anger. 

## 2. Disappointment in Yourself 

Feeling disappointed in ourselves is uncomfortable. It reminds us of our shortcomings and limitations and sometimes that we tried our best but didn’t get the expected outcome of a situation. Sadness and guilt tend to come up as well. We all have many expectations of ourselves; some we even believe to be principles and important guidelines we must follow. How we should act, feel, and think, what we should do with our time and energy, what traits and talents we should have and nurture. Given all those exceptions, it’s easy to understand why disappointment is a universal experience. 

## 3. Disappointment in an Outcome

Sometimes we believe we have done everything right; we work hard and put effort into achieving certain things. And yet, it didn’t seem “enough.” It is hard to blame someone for this type of disappointment because it leaves behind lingering question marks we cannot answer right away. Unfortunately, this type of disappointment leans strongly towards self-doubt and finding reasons within us. And if that isn’t the case, we can easily dwell in the feeling of “unfairness” and self-pity. 

## Coping Strategy

Whether we are feeling disappointment in a relationship with other people, or ourselves, the only healthy way to deal with this discomfort is to acknowledge the disappointment and validate it. Sometimes we must learn to make our expectations more flexible and realistic to help lessen the negativity for the future. It is very important to accept disappointment as part of life. Learning to regulate how we feel and buy things for what they are is crucial for survival. Sometimes we focus too much on one specific event or situation and forget to look at the bigger picture. Relationships don’t just fall apart after disappointment; progress still happens and continues to progress even with things don’t go as expected. 

As for me, I needed to step out of certain situations to focus on myself and my feelings. In doing so, I was able to care for myself more deeply. I could catch myself and be there for myself the way I needed. Because sometimes, no one else can help you out of a situation with complicated feelings. But it is also essential to know when it is best to talk to someone else about how you are feeling. Insight matters. Whether it is from people you trust or in therapy.

Iman Tohami

Blog

Welcome to the Said in Therapy Newsletter!

Ramadan Reflections: On Self-Care

Ramadan Reflections: On Failure

Ramadan Reflections: On Happiness

Ramadan Reflections: On Disappointment